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The first secret is to give up living in hopeful fantasy and to see and accept your partner for who they really are. If this new clarity means that you discover some intolerable or unacceptable behaviors or attitudes on their part, then don’t waste anyone’s time and just walk away. Knowing the truth gives you the power to take good care of yourself. You’ll be avoiding a whole lot of misery in this way.

You also need to know that your partner fully sees and accepts you as you are. There’s no point in presenting a “cleaned up” version of yourself to them because then the person that they’re loving isn’t the real you. You can never feel truly loved if you’re showing them an inauthentic self. If you’ve shown your true self to your partner and they can’t accept it, again, walk away. Nothing’s going to change.

The second secret in successful romance is not to make your partner responsible for giving your life meaning. Both people should be complete beings; each with their own life, friends and attitudes. You should complement each-other rather than complete each-other. Each person needs to bring something of value to the table, and you must remain separate and distinct individuals while developing your connection.

Becoming overly-enmeshed and giving up your identity in a relationship is a sure way of creating unhappiness. Your partner chose you for your unique qualities. Losing them would mean depriving your partner of what they liked about you in the first place. It won’t make you happy to give up important parts of yourself and it will only make you that much less attractive to your partner.

The third secret of a successful relationship is mutual respect. There is no place in a healthy interaction for contempt, shaming or being dismissive toward one-another. As soon as any of these attitudes become part of the relationship, it’s doomed. Both individuals must value their partner’s needs, feelings, thoughts and dreams.

The fourth secret of success is trust. There can be no real intimacy without profound trust. This trust should be based, however, on both people demonstrating to each-other through their actions that they are trust-worthy. When you have seen that your partner means what they say and keeps their promises, and when they’ve seen the same in you, real trust can take place. This makes it possible for both of you to be vulnerable and yet safe.

The fifth secret of a good relationship is not to expect the other person to heal your emotional wounds. This means that as wonderful as love is, it isn’t the cure for what ails you. It’s your responsibility to work on whatever emotional baggage you might be carrying from your childhood or from previous relationships, as opposed to burdening your partner with this expectation.

Finally, the biggest secret of all: make your partner happy and they’ll do everything they can to make you happy, too. There is an exception to this, however. Your partner must be emotionally healthy enough to reciprocate your love and attention. If you’ve been trying your best to make them happy and they aren’t doing the same for you, it means that things will always be one-sided and that it’s time to leave.

A successful romance is mainly a matter of common sense. Be realistic with your partner; stay true to yourselves; maintain your separate identities; be kind and generous and don’t burden each-other with inappropriate expectations. When you come together as conscious, responsible adults with lots of love to give, you can’t help but create a meaningful and satisfying union.

The Six Secrets of a Successful Relationship
April 9, 2010

© Marcia Sirota 2010

Number one on the list is Commitment. Both people have to take the relationship seriously and be willing and able to stick with it in good times and in bad. If one of you lacks commitment, the other will feel insecure and unloved, which leads to relationship stress. Without a strong commitment, it’s too easy to walk away when challenges arise.

Number two is Communication. Both people need to know that the other person understands their needs and feelings and will respond to them appropriately. No-one is a mind-reader and good, clear communication is the only way for two people to develop and maintain trust and intimacy.

Third on the list is Caring. Love is necessary in a relationship but it’s not enough. For a relationship to work, you must both really care about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes and values. If there’s not enough caring, no amount of infatuation or passion will keep you together.

Number four is Compromise. Being flexible and allowing for some give and take will build trust and respect. The willingness to give up something you want or to let the other person have their way shows them that you’re easy-going and responsive to their needs.

Fifth on the list is Compassion. Being understanding and tolerant toward each-other goes a long way in maintaining the good-will in a relationship. When there’s compassion instead of criticism, both people feel fully accepted and free to be their own, imperfect selves.

In sixth place is Conscientiousness. When both people are thoughtful and regularly rise to the occasion and do the right thing, it creates an atmosphere of comfort and happiness in the relationship.

Number seven is Consistency. When you’re always the same person; when you’re reliable and dependable and you keep your promises, your partner will feel safe and secure around you.

Eighth on the list is Creativity. A relationship is a living, breathing entity requiring constant attention and maintenance. An attitude of creativity brings fun and excitement to it and keeps both partners from taking the relationship or each-other for granted.

Number nine is Consciousness. Seeing the truth about yourself and your partner will prevent a lot of potential misunderstandings. Having deeper insight and clarity allows you both to deal more effectively with any problems that do arise.

Tenth on the list is Courage. This is the ability to stand up for yourself in a relationship and to reject anything that goes against your values or causes you pain. When both people are courageous, it fosters an atmosphere of mutual respect and brings out each person’s best behavior.

When you understand and apply the Ten “C’s” of Couple Compatibility, you and your partner will be at a significant advantage, and will maximize your chances for a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship.

The Ten “C’s” of Couple Compatibility
April 20, 2010

© Marcia Sirota 2010

Intellect can be measured by standardized IQ tests but there is no actual measure of the “EQ,” or Emotional Quotient. Even without a test, it’s obvious when someone has a high IQ and it’s just as obvious when someone has a high EQ. Rather that try to measure it, though, it’s more useful to look at the various elements that go into emotional intelligence.

While the IQ remains stable over a person’s lifetime, the EQ can be developed. Acquiring and practicing the following elements will enable you to boost your EQ.

The first element of emotional intelligence is empathy. The ability to understand what other people are feeling will make you more sensitive and aware and will result in more meaningful relationships.

The second element is the recognition that your actions have consequences. This understanding will enable you to make conscious choices in your life and to avoid unnecessary difficulties.

Third on the list is good judgment. The gift of making well-thought-out decisions and seeing people for who they really are will maximize the possibilities of success in all areas of your life.

Number four is personal responsibility. When you hold yourself accountable and don’t blame anyone else for your mistakes or misfortunes, you are empowered to change things for the better. Other people respect you, because you own up to your part in your relationships.

The fifth element is insight. The ability to see yourself clearly and to understand your own motivations allows for the possibility of personal growth. Insight into others allows you to have a greater impact in your relationships

Element number six is mental flexibility. Being able to change your mind or to see things from different points of view makes it possible for you to navigate all sorts of relationships and to succeed where other, more rigid thinkers would fail.

The seventh element is compassion. Being honest with yourself can be painful but with a kind and gentle attitude, it’s much easier. This type of compassion facilitates personal transformation, while compassion toward others supports deeper, more loving connections.

The eighth element is integrity. Following through on commitments and keeping your promises creates much good-will in personal and professional relationships and promotes success in both arenas.

Ninth on the list is impulse control. Thinking before speaking or acting gives you a chance to make deliberate, even sophisticated choices about how you present yourself to others. Not acting out of primitive impulses, urges or emotions avoids social embarrassment.

The tenth element is the ability to defer gratification. It’s one thing to want something but the ability to put off having it is empowering. Mastery of your needs allows you to to prioritize around life goals.

Number eleven on the list is perseverance. Sticking with something, especially when it’s challenging, allows you to see it through to completion and demonstrates to others that you are dependable and potentially a high achiever.

The twelfth and final element is courage. Emotional courage (as opposed to the physical variety) is the ability to do the right thing, see the truth, open your heart and trust yourself and others enough to be vulnerable, even if all this is frightening. This causes others hold you in high regard.

All these elements combine within you to make up your emotional intelligence. With a high EQ, even a simple person is at an advantage in life. Without it, even someone with the most brilliant intellect is at a disadvantage.
The Twelve Elements of Emotional Intelligence
April 10, 2010

© Marcia Sirota 2010

Number ten on the list is the “Volcano.” This is a person who carries around a whole lot of anger. You have to know that sooner or later the volcano is going to blow, and will spill hot lava all over you. Their reaction might be triggered by something you do or say but in reality, you couldn’t possibly have done anything to evoke this intense an explosion. You’ll end up walking around on eggshells, when what you need to do is just walk away.

Number nine on the list is the “Dreamer.” This is someone who always has the next big secret of success just at their fingertips. They’re filled with great ideas and plans; the thing is, they never follow through. Or, if they do, it wasn’t carefully thought out and it’s an unmitigated disaster. These people usually end up in huge debt and even going bankrupt. Attaching yourself to someone like this is a guaranteed way of getting dragged down with them.

In the eighth spot on the list is the “Lost Boy.” This person, be they male or female, is living out the Peter Pan scenario. They are refusing to grow up and are subtly trying to manipulate those around them to take on their care and feeding. This person is making a choice. They actually could grow up if they wanted to. Because they refuse to be responsible for themselves, they’ll be a burden on you forever. Walk away.

Number seven on the list is the “Narcissist.” This person loves themselves to the exclusion of everyone else. Initially, they might appear charming and fascinating but eventually you’ll realize that it’s always all about them. They don’t take an interest in you and can be quite callous when you are in need of their empathy or support.

If you manage to inadvertently interfere with them getting their needs met, you’ll see their dark side in the fury they unleash when thwarted. They also experience your standing up for yourself as an offense against them. All in all, not someone to associate with if you enjoy being treated with respect.

In sixth place on the list is the “Drama Queen.” This person can be male or female, and they’re characterized by the need to be the center of attention and to create drama everywhere they go. Either they are in trouble and needing to be rescued or they make trouble for the people in their lives. They even like to pit one person against another. Run, do not walk away from such an individual.

Number five on the list is the “Cynic.” This is an angry, bitter individual who sees the bad in everything. They are jaded and feel as though nothing can surprise them. This is just a psychological defense against their own feelings of vulnerability. They have unconsciously decided that this is the way to avoid being hurt. The problem is, they are very hurtful to us in their nasty negativity. Because they are so attached to this identity, they’re unwilling to let it go. We need to let them go.

In fourth place on the list is the “Charmer.” This person may appear attractive and they certainly know all the right things to say, but they’d sell you down the river in a moment’s notice without an ounce of regret. Their whole reason for being is to manipulate and exploit others. They lie with a smile on their face. They cheat, steal and break all the rules and they do it all with such finesse. These people are dangerous to body and soul; not to mention our pocketbook. To be avoided at all costs.

Coming in at third place is the “Complainer.” This individual blames everyone else for everything that’s going wrong in their life. Because they refuse to be accountable for the consequences of their choices, they’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and will continue to accuse those around them of causing their misfortune. If you constantly want to be made to feel responsible for their problems, stick around. Otherwise, feel free to spend your time with people who don’t play this game.

In the second spot on the list is the “Boor.” This is a pretentious name-dropper and social climber who sees you as a way up on their road to success. They crave money, power and fame and will stop at nothing to obtain these things. Social interactions are all strategic to them and designed to maximize their access to all the fancier things in life. I like to call this person the “Bore.” You can do better.

In first place on the list of people to avoid is the “Wild Child.” They are the rebel, the rule-breaker, the one who acts on impulse. At first they might seem exotic and exciting but very quickly we see that their impulsive behavior is destructive to them and to the people who they’re close to. Their recklessness and disregard for their own and other’s welfare quickly loses its allure. They might be willing to take the consequences of not thinking before they act, but we don’t have to. There’s fun and there’s downright stupidity.

Being able to identify these ten different types of people will allow us to protect ourselves if they happen to appear in our lives. Instead of getting caught up in a frustrating or messy relationship, we can head them off at the pass and focus our energies instead on pursuing those individuals with whom we can have satisfying and meaningful relationships, devoid of unnecessary complications.
Dr. Marcia’s List of the Ten People to Avoid in Life
April 12, 2010

© Marcia Sirota 2010