Ruthless Compassion Institute

I was on an airplane recently, traveling business class, and had a very enlightening experience. I’d asked for a glass of water, and when the flight attendant – a friendly, pleasant young man- was attempting to pour it, he accidentally lost control of the very full bottle, splashing water all over me and my seat.

He began to apologize profusely but I wasn’t upset. In fact, I began chuckling because I thought it was kind of funny and ironic: he’d been making such an effort with the service, prior to this mishap. Although the water had spilled, nothing had been ruined; my clothing dried quickly and the book I was reading was miraculously spared. I used the cloth napkins left over from lunch to dry myself off.

The flight attendant seemed mortified, but when I reassured him that it really was OK, he finally calmed down. From that point onward, the service went from excellent to stellar as this grateful young man just couldn’t do enough for me. He brought me extra snacks and made me special coffees with his own combination of liqueurs. He was utterly solicitous for the remainder of the trip.

At one point, the person working in business class came up to me to say, “My colleague has been going on and on, telling me what a nice person you are!” I smiled and replied that the feeling was mutual. As I sat there, eating my cashews, sipping my drink and reflecting on what had just happened, I came to an interesting conclusion.

I’m pretty sure that the flight attendant wasn’t used to people reacting in the way that I had. I guess he was surprised not to have been treated rudely or even contemptuously. Working in the front section of the airplane must have gotten him used to being disrespected by his well-to-do clientèle. When I was reasonable toward him, he must have been grateful and relieved.

My reason for seeing this as the explanation for what happened comes out of on my own personal experience. Over the years, I’ve observed what I call the “hubris of the rich.” By this I mean a sense of over-entitlement that certain wealthy people exhibit. These individuals are used to demanding and receiving whatever they want; they feel superior because they have the power money affords them and have no problem bossing around those who depend on them for their livelihood.

I’m not saying that everyone with money is a bully or a boor, but simply that there is a segment of the wealthy population who think that they can live by a different set of rules than the rest of us follow. These people almost seem to enjoy putting on airs and would have no problem, for example, berating a flight attendant over a little slip.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve observed people in luxury vehicles speeding down the road, weaving in and out while cutting off other drivers. I’ve witnessed bejeweled and befurred individuals talking to service people in the most offensive tone of voice, and I’ve seen how surprised and pleased these same workers appeared when they were treated with just a modicum of courtesy or respect.

As a college student, I had a summer job working as an assistant for a society couple from New York City. The wife couldn’t resist trying to groom me for a future as a household servant, despite the fact that I’d told her I was planning to attend medical school after graduation. Others I know who had dealings with the upper classes describe having been condescended to or even bullied on occasion. Someone I know did a brief design contract for an abusive woman of means, and was so traumatized from the experience that she suffered from nightmares for several years afterwards.

What is it about having a lot of money that brings out the worst in some people? I think it’s the power and the privilege that go along with it. When people are born wealthy, they grow up in a world of ease, comfort and preferred treatment. They get used to things being facilitated for them and to the people who work for them being extremely deferential. These privileged people grow up rarely being refused their demands and almost never contradicted in their opinions. They learn that things will always come easily to them.

It’s a somewhat different story when people suddenly become rich. Instant wealth can trigger the insecurities of an ordinary person so much that they might feel compelled to put on airs. Many people, deep down, still identify with their former more modest self, and don’t feel like they deserve the windfall. For this reason, they might go overboard trying to prove to others how important and deserving they really are.

Arrogance arises from one of two different psychological states: either a sense of over-entitlement or one of insecurity. Someone who grows up being spoiled can easily become self-important and therefore arrogant. Someone who, on the other hand, comes from a modest or even deprived background can eventually become wealthy but may never feel entirely comfortable with their new circumstances. This disconnect between their self-image and their new position of privilege can cause them to behave discourteously toward others; especially those who remind them of their old, impoverished selves.

Another pitfall of wealth is that money equals power. Enough money can buy just about any goods, services or even, literally, other people. The very rich can afford the best lawyers when they’re caught breaking the law, and they can drag out their case until the other side concedes. A rich person can hire lobbyists to promote their cause to politicians.

Rich men have very little trouble meeting women; some have even been known to steal away another man’s wife simply because they knew they could be with her. Having a lot of money and the power that goes along with it can foster disrespect toward institutions such as marriage, the law or the government.

Fame adds another element to wealth, in that it gives the wealthy person access to many other rich or famous people, or to those sycophantic individuals who want to be part of an entourage. This form of popularity is appealing to the newly-famous because it grants them access to other celebrities and to the parties, openings, and VIP status that fame brings, thereby boosting their profile and their self-importance.

Amateur or professional athletes become really rich by parlaying their fame into lucrative endorsement contracts. Tiger Woods is the ultimate example of this. Whichever comes first, the combination of wealth plus fame is like putting dynamite into the hands of children: they’re often likely to blow themselves up with it and injure those around them as well.

Speaking of Tiger Woods, stories of infidelity and possible divorce are swirling about him, but I don’t imagine that he started out intending to hurt his wife and children. Most likely, the unending temptation of beautiful and willing young women was more than he could resist. It’s hard to avoid believing the hype that you can do or have whatever you want, especially when everyone around you is encouraging you to go for it.

Which leads to one of the major pitfalls of money and fame: There will always be those people who enable the wealthy and the famous to engage in the worst of their excesses. Perhaps these folks are lazy about pursuing their own success and hope that some of the perks of celebrity will rub off on them. Maybe they’re just living vicariously through the successful person. Think of how some in Michael Jackson’s entourage were actively supporting him in his various forms of self-destruction.

Michael Jackson’s hangers-on were probably so determined to maintain their favored status (and everything that went along with it) that they were willing to disregard the welfare of the person they professed to adore. This example clearly shows how these enablers are devoid of any genuine concern for the celebrity and will feed off their meal-ticket much as a parasite will, for as long as they can or until the host dies.

When it comes to the rich and famous, successful athletes are a group unto themselves. In order to have reached their level of achievement, they needed to be intensely-focused and demanding of themselves. More than likely, they’ve had to make a number of personal sacrifices to attain their level of excellence. Add to the mix that this type of personality tends to be driven and even impulsive in other areas of life, and you have a recipe for some serious acting out once the fame and the money arrive.

Witness Michael Phelps being caught smoking marijuana, or Pete Rose betting on baseball games. Kobe Bryant got himself into a mess of trouble when he engaged in extra-marital acting out; as did Larry Bird and Mike Tyson. The killer combination of intense drive, rampant ambition, massive ego, abounding temptation and willing enablers overcame every possible barrier to their indiscretions.

Being rich, famous and talented makes it easy, not only for athletes, but for actors and musicians as well, to have easy access to drugs, sexual partners or simply people to boss around. On top of this, companies throw a ton of swag their way, hoping that the celebrity will be seen using it, or that perhaps they’ll decide to endorse it. People will allow these celebrities to get away with excessive or even abusive behavior, either in order to stay in their good graces or because these other individuals have a financial stake in it.

In Tiger Woods’ case, it seems that there might also be some underlying personal problems involved in the situation. Money and fame make it far too easy for someone with emotional or psychological issues to act on them. There aren’t the usual impediments an ordinary person might have to engaging in an indiscretion, for example. In the case of the women involved with Woods; they had their own mis-guided and dysfunctional reasons for being with him, as well.

As I mentioned above, the other side of the rich-and-famous equation is the enablers, including all the people who benefit from enabling this group to misbehave or self-destruct. One example is everyone who looked the other way when Michael Jackson engaged in questionable relationships with under-aged boys – even after he was sued for the first time and had to deal with the ensuing negative publicity.

Then there were the plastic surgeons who repeatedly operated on his face until he was disfigured and unrecognizable; the doctors who provided him with a constant supply of dangerous, and ultimately lethal drugs, and those who professed to love him but who, for their own reasons, allowed him to go broke, be broken, and ultimately die a tragic death.

Enablers will always exist, as there will always be those who benefit from their association with the wealthy or the famous. These individuals make it near-to-impossible for the celebrities they enable to resist the temptation to go to excesses in their behavior, as they make everything just too easy for them.

Creative people are another category within the world of the rich and famous. However much wealth or fame they achieve, they all have one thing in common: what drives them to create is in part, a desire to experience an ecstatic state of being through their art; a sort of transcendence, if you will.

The singer who shuts her eyes as she’s singing; the musician who makes strange facial expressions while he’s playing; the painter who loses track of time while he’s working on a canvas; the actor who loses herself in the role – these are all examples of the way creative people get a “high” from their work. This high is very compelling and once they’ve experienced it, many of those born with an artistic personality will want more.

Having wealth and fame makes the pursuit of the elusive “high” possible by virtue of the fact that these people now have access to whatever pleasures or indulgences they might crave. Sadly, the high that they achieve through their art can never be replicated by more mundane sorts of peak experiences, and if they’re looking for the sublime in the material world, they’ll be endlessly pursuing this elusive experience, which sadly, many do, even when it leads to their demise.

Many artistic people end up dependent on alcohol or drugs or engaging in other compulsive behaviors. The money and the fame support their addictions because of the presence of enablers who’ll indulge their whims, thereby eliminating any barriers in the way of the artist satisfying any urge.

Being very famous can distort a person’s sense of self. The more famous they are, the more these people risk seeing themselves mainly through the eyes of strangers who really only know their persona. Even within their inner circle, there will be many individuals who don’t care about the celebrity but who’ll nonetheless flatter and indulge them in order to continue to somehow exploit them. Being famous is dangerous, in that a person can easily lose sight of who they were prior to all the fame.

It’s easy to become alienated from oneself and caught up with who the media and the entourage say one is supposed to be. Sadly, the same deep sensitivity that makes someone a talented artist also makes them that much more susceptible to getting lost in the superficial world of wealth and celebrity.

This type of disconnection from oneself can make it difficult for a famous person to create meaningful connections with others. Relationships can become based in superficial things like appearance, status, wealth, popularity or excitement. Alienation from the self leads to alienation from others. Add to this disconnection the distortion of self-image caused by the adoration of unknowing strangers and a number of problems can ensue: substance abuse, self-destructive behavior; even mental breakdowns.

Another problem with fame is that there’s no privacy. An argument with one’s spouse is no-one else’s business for a private citizen, but for a celebrity, it’s front-page news. A small tiff can be blown out of proportion when made into public knowledge, and this can have a terrible effect on an already-fragile (by virtue of being in the spotlight) relationship.

A celebrity can’t make a mistake and learn from it in private. Every move they make is documented by the tabloids and the paparazzi. A private citizen’s personal problems will remain personal, but a celebrity’s personal problems often become part of the public record. This can create an enormous amount of stress in the famous person’s life; enough, sometimes, to drive them to make bad choices.

Money can be as problematic as fame. People who have suddenly become rich through winning the lottery almost never know what to do with their newfound wealth, and the statistics show that most of them are in far worse financial shape, not long after winning the money. Either they are taken advantage of by unscrupulous relatives or acquaintances, or they are sitting ducks for the predators who keep track of the vulnerable, newly-rich whom they might pounce on next.

Many people who suddenly find themselves with a lot of money have lived their lives believing that this would be the answer to their problems and would bring them ultimate happiness. Sadly, the opposite is often true. Money can pay bills but it can’t solve one’s emotional or interpersonal problems.

Depression, despair and worsened relationships are common outcomes from a lottery win. Money doesn’t bring with it wisdom, perspective or peace of mind, either. What it does bring is enormous responsibility, emotional and social problems and for many people, a whole lot of confusion.

If they are overly spoiled as children, people who are born rich can grow up deprived of a sense of meaning in their lives. If everything comes too easily, they could end up as one of those dissolute jet-setters we occasionally hear about who have overdosed on drugs, attempted suicide or run off with the chauffeur. Princess Stephanie of Monaco is one such example of the wealthy and deeply troubled.

Many a débutante or heir to a fortune has become fodder for the tabloids because of their inappropriate or even shocking behavior. They act out because they have nothing better to do with their lives: they have no real goals and nothing to strive for. There isn’t any reason for them to get out of bed each morning. Without some motivation or a sense of purpose, their lives are empty. They’re lost souls.

In terms of the pitfalls of fame, Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are two recent examples, but there have been casualties for as long as fame has existed. Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, John Belushi and Anna Nicole Smith are all people who’ve self-destructed in large part, as a result of their fame.

The media play up the cult of celebrity because it sells movie tickets and advertising. Celebrities are the new pitch-men, replacing commercial actors in ads and gracing magazine covers in place of the usual models, these days. We are so deeply in the thrall of celebrity these days that when someone famous tells us to buy a particular brand of camera or cell-phone, many of us run en masse to the stores, trying to have something in common with the stars we idolize.

Reality TV has made stars out of people with no discernible talent or positive attribute. In fact, self-proclaimed jerks on shows like “Survivor” and “The Hills” have become famous, simply for being unabashedly awful. And it’s these pseudo-celebrities who take the most advantage of their 15 minutes of fame, misbehaving to their shriveled little hearts’ desire..

Of course, many celebrities live quiet, constructive lives and not every wealthy person is an entitled, spoiled brat. Whenever there’s a dark side to something, there’s also a corresponding light side. The wealthy have a long history of philanthropy and involvement in such causes as literacy, medical research and the promotion of the arts. In fact, good manners has always been a value in the upper classes, and putting people at their ease was at least until recently considered de rigeur behavior for any decent socialite.

Celebrities often use their fame to support social change and to bring attention to world problems. Bono and Richard Gere are heavily involved in the fight against AIDS, for example; George Clooney and Don Cheadle are raising awareness of the plight of refugees in Darfur; Pam Anderson and Charlize Theron support animal rights; Angelina Jolie and many others have signed on as UNICEF ambassadors; Matt Damon and Ben Affleck among others support political candidates; Sean Penn is working to fight poverty, and Leo Di Caprio and Ed Begley Junior are committed environmentalists.

Still, it’s worth asking ourselves, if we ever find ourselves becoming either rich or famous, whether it’s all really worth it. How much money do we really need, in order to be comfortable and not have to worry about the future, anyway? Could we actually hold on to our identity if we were to become famous? Could we tolerate being always in the public eye? And do we trust ourselves to resist the temptation of everything that large amounts of money and fame might throw our way?

Would we be we emotionally healthy enough to remain true to ourselves if everyone is telling us how brilliant, talented and attractive we are? Would we take the high road if our entourage was willing to tolerate any amount of bad behavior on our part and indulge us in the worst possible excesses?

Yes, it’s wonderful to have money to throw around, and of course, it’s fun, at times, to be recognized and applauded, whether for our real accomplishments of simply for being famous. Still, there’s a dark side to fame and riches, and whether it’s the fact that we risk becoming heartless, selfish human beings or that we might lose ourselves altogether, it’s worthwhile to stop and consider whether wealth and fame are everything that they’re cracked up to be.

After all, I only had to be sitting in business class for the attendant to assume, based on his own past experiences, that I was rich and because of this, I must be some nasty, spoiled creature, just waiting to tear a strip off him at the first sign of a mistake.

© Marcia Sirota MD 2009