Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) 2009
Introduction:
Who I Am:
I am a board certified psychiatrist, but I don’t ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, I’ve integrated my education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. I consider myself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. My fundamental belief is that we have the responsibility and the capability as adult human beings to do everything we can to eliminate suffering; that which we create for ourselves, that which we create for others and that which others around us create. We are co-responsible, since we all share this planet and its resources.
Giving vs. Taking:
I believe that we human beings must begin to move away from our current infantile attitude of consuming everything in front of us and to evolve into a more adult attitude of contributing to our world. We may be physically grown up but most of us are just a big bundle of needs, wants and urges. We are mired in a mind-set of endless taking rather than living with the aim of sharing and giving. Taking is an appropriate attitude for infants, but when this way of being is practiced by the majority of adults on the planet, it explains why things have been breaking down.
So many of us see the world as a giant shopping mall, where the accumulation of objects, pleasure, power and status is the ultimate goal. We too often regard other people merely as objects: either obstacles or vehicles toward the gratification of our desires. We see animals almost exclusively as commodities to exploit with no consciousness that they have souls, needs and feelings and are capable of love and suffering, themselves. We see the planet and the natural world as our unending font of resources with little thought, until very recently, of what consequences would come of this endless taking with no giving back.
I am determined to show people why we can and must do better. As a species, we are imbued with a sophisticated and complex intellect, but so few of us access our true potential for comprehending our own real needs and those of others around us. We are all inter-dependent, and by supporting the happiness and success of others we’ll also do much better for ourselves. We must begin to ask ourselves not what more we can take but rather what each of us has to offer to other people and to the planet.
inevitable that we’ll face other hurts and losses which further wound us. Lif can be beautiful, but it can also be harsh and painful. We can’t control other people, world events, natural disasters, the weather, or even our bodies to some extent. All we can do is face the reality of our lives and be empowered to respond to what is really happening, as opposed to living with false hope or choosing false solutions.We can’t get through life unscathed. What differentiates us as individuals is how we make the best of what opportunities or challenges we face, and the choices we make.
Feeding the Bottomless Pit of Need vs. Feeding our Souls:
I belive that when we shift our focus away from childish self-gratification to what we have to offer other people and the world, we will begin to feed our souls and to finally be happy. Moving from an attitude of taking and consuming to one of giving and contributing enables us to form real connections with others. Intimacy, being about truly knowing and caring for one-another is only possible in the absence of the narcisstic attitude so many people live with.
Being an adult and engaging in altruism gives us a sense of being part of a greater whole. We feel like we belong to each-other and to the earth rather than being parasites in our relationsips and hitch-hiking on the back of our planet. How can we truly experience love or care if our fundamental attitude is to use everyone and everything? In a society based on consumerism, where most of us are taking and few are giving, everyone becomes an object to one-other. So many of us are compulsively pursuing false answers to our needs, and few of us are able to enjoy the experience of giving love unselfishly or receiving real generousity. That truly is a tragedy.
The Nature of True Happiness:
It’s been my experience that real happiness comes from having a sense of meaning and purpose in life and a sense of being connected to others and to our world. It comes from the experience of belonging. Happiness also comes from satisfying work, enjoyable play, real love, as opposed to mutual exploitation, and the feeling of being empowered in one’s life. Happiness comes from a satisfied soul and not from the accumulation of things, status or followers or by any other external or materialistic solution.
Still, it’s important to remember that happiness isn’t a permanent state but is something that comes and goes. When we can ride the highs and lows of our lives instead of trying to hold on to the good times or resist the hard times, and when we are content with moments of joy, transcendence, love and connection, then we will know real happiness. Children won’t let go of things, not being able to imagine that something gone from their presence could ever return. Adults are capable of trusting that in nature, there is an ebb and flow: all things come and go. An adult understands from experience that they don’t need to hold on so tightly to happiness or to go into despair when it passes, because it will eventually return.
Change is Possible
I am hopeful that we will start to wake up and see the consequences of many generations living with the attitude of infantile taking vs. adult giving. This is not a hope born in wishful fantasy, but one born in knowing that we have the capacity to do better than we have been. I am hopeful that by our becoming more conscious, we’ll be able to finally face the terrible state of human relationships, the extinction or near- extinction of so many animal species and the disaster of our environment. I believe that by waking up, we’ll be moved to change our ways before it’s too late. I’m speaking not as an expert but as a human being. I’ve taken responsibility for the development of my own conscious awareness, so I know what it is to be empowered and to experience real change. I have also been fortunate to have had a positive effect on the lives of others, so I know that it is possible, with some effort, to affect real change in the world.
Ruthless Compassion:
Ruthless Compassion means taking personal responsibility for our actions, but with an attitude of self-acceptance and loving kindness toward the bad choices we might have made in the past. It’s not about being lenient about our mistakes, but rather, working to understand where we went wrong and then developing the tools necessary to make better choices in the future. Ruthless Compassion is a respectful attitude toward others where all living beings are seen as inherently valuable and having a right to live with dignity. It’s about not colluding with individuals or institutions which don’t follow these principles.
For compassion to be really meaningful, it must always include the aspect of ruthlessness, whereby we always seek the truth, face reality and don’t settle for anything less. It’s about questioning things rather than being complacent or apathetic, and never accepting our own or others’ rationalizations for the bad choices that we or they have made. Ruthless Compassion means that we can understand why someone did something bad and feel empathy for them, but it doesn’t mean that we let them off the hook with regard to their accountability.
Change is Possibile, but not Easy:
Many people today say they have the “quick and easy solution,” to our problems or to the problems of the world. Unfortunately, when these people say that the solution is painless or can be accomplished in no time at all, they are usually lying to us. In my experience, change is difficult and takes time and work.
Whether on the planet or in humans, entropy exists, and shifting things out of established patterns; whether beliefs, behaviors, political systems or cultural norms, is difficult. We are comfortable in our habits and afraid of the unfamiliar.This is a primitive response which protected us when we were less sophisticated beings, but we are ready now to let go of this obsolete fear of change.
We must learn how to nurture ourselves and each-other in meaningful ways, making our choices from conscious awareness and a reality-based approach rather than from urge, impulse, wishful fantasy or false hope. It’s difficult to take this journey toward consciousness and we need guides along the way. Whether one person is ready to grow up and become conscious, or a whole group of people is, they can’t do it alone.
I believe that I can be one such guide, and by using tools such as Ruthless Compasion, I can help people wake up, grow up, and begin to live in reality. I can help people move from an attitude of taking to one of giving; from alienated consumerism and exploitation to soul-fulfilling altruism, connectedness and happiness. Because of the fortuitous combination of my life experiences, diverse training and understanding of Ruthless Compassion, I believe that I am uniquely suited to be of assistance to those on this journey.
It’s about co-empowerment, though; a contract between me and you: I will take responsibility to teach and support you, and you must do your part. You will need to live in reality and face the truth about your feelings, needs, relationships, beliefs and the types of choices you’ve been making. You must bring motivation, energy, will-power and dedication to this task. In this way, we can work together dilligently toward the goal of a better life, and at the same time this will benefit our world.
